Today the kids are gone for the weekend and I worked last night the grave yard shift. I came home this morning at about 7:30 am. I scanned the living room / dining room area and said to myself " I ain't touching a thing". I had purchased some breakfast from work before coming home. I chit chatted with the Spanish chef about me being a vegetarian now and how I wanted my potatoes with veggies. So, I was looking forward to eating and going to sleep. I pushed everything off the couch onto the floor and took my shoes, bra, jewelry off and ate, drank my juice, turned the t.v. on and closed my eyes. Now, I open my eyes to find it is
1: 37 pm. I realized that I am still alone with no one to answer to. Hhhhmmm, I have nothing to do and no one to call. I take a moment to pray and read my devotionals. I then turned the t.v. to BET ( Black Entertainment Television). It was a new movie showing with Omari Hardwick as one of the main characters. I am a HUGE fan so I decided to watch it. Before I knew it I was watching Saturday marathon of emotional stimulating movies that had me crying, laughing, reflecting and dreaming. WOW!! I am forty years old, and I am single(divorced), in school, single mother, working, and here I am on a Saturday alone spending it on the couch with BET. Is there anything wrong with that picture?
I will say no. There is nothing wrong with that picture. Yes, I do wish I at times, I had maybe a significant other, to spend my quiet weekends with; when the kids are with their dad and his girlfriend. However, I am grateful for the break and that they are in GOOD hands. I just will not settle for anyone just to fill in a small void. I am single by choice. I refuse to have a man in my life that I would not be proud for my son to model after. Plus, my mantra is if he doesn't draw me towards God then he is not for me. You know this time I am writing you ladies as my girls at a late night get together. I am doing a little venting. Considering this is what this blog is about. Its a place to be reminded you are not alone. I have to say being strong ALL the time is tiring. Sometimes I just need someone to say to me, "hey D, take a break I got this and you. Come here love let me give you a hug and give you a massage," ! Yes, its my day to vent a little. It gets hard some days. I suppose the emotion makes me real and human. I stare at myself in the mirror and ask myself out loud, "Hey girl who are you? Truly.. Who do you believe that you are?". Hhhmmm, I look at my hair, my nose, I pick at my face, I look at my full lips, my body shape and I decided I am perfect in God's image. My heart is good, and consciences is clear. I am not perfect but, with God's grace I am a working progress. Moving closer to my dreams and his purpose. Many don't know I sing. I take a moment to worship in song. I feel overwhelmed with gratitude and tears fall from my eyes. I am grateful for were I have come from and trust in were I am going. Praise due to the most high God for dwelling in me and my space. Then I sat back on the couch a little sad and yet grateful. Its one of those days I believe I had to deal with my quiet.
To often we get uncomfortable to hang out with ourselves. We have to be in the space loving ourselves enough to be fine with the quiet. If I am not okay with it how do I expect someone else to be? I have grown sooo much since my divorce. I am getting to know myself differently. Every layer means something. I enjoy my children (son 11yrs and daughter 8yrs) so much more now. I am very present now when I am with them. Before, there was soooo much chatter in my head when I was with them. Just all the busy things mom's have to do and think about. Now, when I am with them the chatter shuts up and EVERYONE takes a back seat. I love that about myself. I really do. I want my sisters out there to know it is a good thing to get to REALLY know yourselves. Every layer, every emotion. It is how we evolve and grow. Yes, I get lonely sometimes then I remember what I enjoy to do and I embrace them. I plan to get out more. I don't get out much but, that is because school takes up my time but, I will make time to go to the movies or to an event. I will make time for my friends.
Thanks for listening to me today. I needed you all to do a little unloading. Enjoy your week.
Your sister loves you.
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